Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
