This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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