I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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