I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
