When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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