i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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