A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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