remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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