Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
