Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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