He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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