I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How naked do you want me to be?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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