my vag is so smooth its legendary
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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