I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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