You're completely useless in the revolution.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize