My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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