Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Umm I'm too high to move.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
