erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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