If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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