Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
