we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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