life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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