Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
