The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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