Well douche your snatch and let's go!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
