just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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