Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
