i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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