I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
