you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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