I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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