Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
