wat bout pragnant strippers??
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
