I accidentally burped into my bong.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize