just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize