I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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