the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
