and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
