New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
