Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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