and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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