They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
