Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
