probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
