i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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