11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize