I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
