I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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