Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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