I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
