Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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