as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
