I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
