Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
