Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
God, you're like boner-b-gone
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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