and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm always down for nudity.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
