Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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