I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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