One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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