As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
