I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
