your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
