its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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