Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
