the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
