I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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