Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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