I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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