aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
