The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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