Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
