My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
